clients from hell

After setting up a website, emails, and hosting for an already difficult client, I received a call:

Client: Our printer has stopped working, do you know why?

Me: No sorry, I am not a computer technician.

Client: Well it worked fine before you setup the new website and email.

Me: There’s nothing the website or email could do to the printer. What kind of printer is it?

Client: I can’t remember, I got it with the computer about 12 years ago. The computer is also broken after the website went live.

Client: “I don’t want to download it. Just give it to me over the phone.”

Me: “It’s a computer program, I can’t give it to you over the phone. I can mail you a DVD, or I can tell you how to safely download it over the internet.”

Client: “Look, I’m not downloading anything, and I’m not getting off the phone until you give it to me.”

Me: “…Okay, do you have a pen and a piece of paper?”

Client: “Hold on…Yup, go ahead!”

Me: “0 1 0 0 0 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 (continued saying random sequence for about 20 seconds)”

Client: “The act is up, man.”

Me: “The act is up on…?”

Client: “You could at least have given us a fair price, if you were going to outsource the website work overseas.”

Me: “Okay. Two steps back. What are you talking about?”

Client: “We’re talking about the little scheme you’ve been running. You made one huge error.”

Me: “I literally have no clue what this conversation is about. You’re accusing me of—”

Client: “Outsourcing! To Greece or Arabia or something. You forgot to translate the material back into English, kid!”

Me: (over the phone) “How do you like the new menu?”
Client: “It’s great, but the online version… Can we make that matte finished as well?”
Me: “Um…”
Client: “I’m just having troubles reading it. It’s so glossy. All I see is a silhouette of my head.”
Me: “Is there a window open behind you?”
Client: “There is, yes.”
Me: “Close it.”
Client: “Wow, much better—we should make a note of that.”

Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

Client: “Is e-mail internet”?

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Client: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?”

Me: “Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

Client: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?”

Client: “Open what?”

Me: “Your browser, can you open up your browser?”

Client: “My…my…?”